Onwards and downwards (to Kangaroo Island...)

I'm on my way to Kangaroo island today and have got tangled up with flight delays (Virgin, not Qantas surprisingly) which mean I have two hours to kill at Newcastle airport. It means I'll be spending the night in Adelaide tonight too rather than on the island which is a shame but no big disaster.

Wow, the reaction to my last blog was quite overwhelming. Thank you especially to those of you who've posted comments both here and on the Iguana Freelancers Facebook page. It is so comforting to read the kind messages of support and as you can see from the post from my brother in law Sam, I am very fortunate to have a great Aussie family through my partner Sarah. I can't overestimate the wonderful support and friendship of my travel writing colleagues. I do think the job attracts mostly lovely, open-minded people so I am not exactly surprised.

I felt sick to the stomach after posting the last entry and making it public. I felt guilty about burdening the world with my condition, about exposing my partner and kids to scrutiny and for what many may see as "bleeding heart look-at-me" behaviour. When your brain chemistry is all mucked-up you think of every scenario. You imagine your worst enemy looking at what you wrote and saying "you absolute prick, you've got a great family, a wonderful job that most people would kill for etc etc and you can't even be unselfish enough to be happy". They're right of course and that thought has given me sleepless nights and even that is pointless because why worry about something you can't change. Some people will applaud my opening up and others, used to playing their cards close to their chests or understandably sick of how the internet seems to be giving everybody the chance to display their misery/sickness/paranoia or whatever so publicly, will not.

On the other hand I had a wonderful chat with Pam Macintosh from ABC regional radio about what I'd written and will be going on her show on Wednesday November 16th at 9.35am to talk some more about the issues it raises. I really hope that I can help other people with my condition through further publicity and will have to toughen up to accept the inevitable criticism and even possible vitriol that may come my way as a result.

I want to stress that while I am sad more often than I should be (or want to be - christ this is what I want to overcome as it has ruled my life for way too long) - I am also capable of great joy and happiness. Believe me too when I say that I know that the world is a wonderful, extraordinary place. Better than any drug you'll ever take. My work has given the most amazing opportunities and I am so grateful for that. I am so exceptionally lucky to have travelled through the Arctic, through Africa, flown over Antarctica, seen more of Australia than most people do in a lifetime and enjoy superb times throughout Europe and the US. People may well want to ask how somebody like me, as they once asked about a famous footballer earning squillions and with a model girlfriend, who had depression, possibly has the hide to claim that they are depressed? Good question and I don't have a good answer.

Most people with depression don't want to feel the way they do and I must stress it is chemical. What causes it I don't know for sure but I am the most unwilling recipient of the feelings it delivers. When all I want to do is bubble with joy and the feeling that life could not be better, I look at myself and think "you self-engrossed, talentless, try-hard tosser"! It's hard enough for me living with that feeling but it's everybody that has to live with me that I feel sorry for, as I am sure you will do. It's like being an alcoholic- bad enough for you of course but a fucking nightmare for anybody around you. I know, my brother died a rampant and unapologetic alcoholic just three years ago, and all my attempts to "save" him were hopeless. But then I was needlessly cruel to him when he let me down too. He hurt me beyond repair with his self-destruction but I hurt him too with my frustrated anger with him. That's another story for another time.

Enough, enough. Hopefully there will be joyous reportage from KI, as the locals call it, and once again thanks to those of you that have followed this to the end.

And for anybody who might have read what I've written and feels very uncomfortable about it, I'm sorry. But please if you know somebody with depression don't treat them with distance or disdain. They can be pretty amazing people - Winston Churchill, Richard Burton, Stephen Fry and David Attenborough are just some of those I know to have had the illness - and their depression is just one part of the character, not the whole sum.

Arctic Bound

I'm currently in Toronto in between two trips to the Canadian Arctic. The first one, to a safari camp in the Torngat Mountains in northern Labrador, was one of the journeys of my lifetime and it is going to be immensely hard to do justice to it in my stories. We had amazingly warm weather, saw several polar bears and black bears, an Arctic hare up close, Minky whales, beautifully crafted icebergs floating in fjords and had the privilege of plenty of close contact with a number of Inuit people. The opportunity to talk with people like Eli, who was a bear monitor on our many hikes, was priceless and he taught me a lot about his life, family and spiritual beliefs. It's uncommon in my experience to have such an authentic connection with indigenous people and to not feel you are intruding into their lives. On a lighter note, the mad Aussie threw himself into a fjord, a waterfall, a mountain lake and a river and the madness became catching as several others in my party and Jacko, an Inuit guide from Parks Canada, also went swimming. To cap it all off we dined for two nights with Canada's Environment Minister, Jim Prentice, who is touted as the country's next Prime Minister - with whom I chatted about Hemingway - and with the Queen's representative in Newfoundland, John Crosbie and his lovely wife. I now have a personal invitation to government house in St Johns and I am very tempted to take them up on it.

At times like that last week I really have to pinch myself to ensure that I am really where I think I am. It was so wild, so untouched and so beautiful - some of the most spectacular scenery I have ever witnessed -that the Canadian Arctic has once again left a huge mark on my soul. Apparently, once the Arctic gets inside you, it's a lifelong love and I feel that way. I definitely want to see Antarctica before I die but the special thing about the Arctic is the presence of the amazing Inuit people and their relationship with the landscape and the wildlife.

Now, I have another rare opportunity, to travel through the Northwest Passage on an expedition with the Inuit owned Cruise North. It's an eight day trip on a ship I travelled through Hudson Bay on last year and a colleague, Fiona Harper, is one of several other travel writers coming along. It will be a different experience but last year I know they saw 27 polar bears and got stuck in the ice and had to be rescued by the coast guard. So again it will no doubt be memorable.

I've only had two days in Toronto but it's been sunny and warm while I've been here and I've seen quite a bit of it. As usual I try to walk everywhere in a new city as I really feel it's the best way to absorb it. It's super vibrant and probably the most American of the Canadian cities I've visited. Personally, after being in the Arctic, I found going up the CN Tower, one of the tallest buildings in the world, an absolute nightmare. There were long queues to get up it and get down again and visitors jostling for the best vantage points. But eating with friends in various different neighbourhoods has been a much better experience and the locals seem super friendly. I've been staying at the Westin Harbour Castle on the shores of Lake Ontario and thoroughly recommend the place - the staff are excellent.

I have a story on Pacific Palms today in the Sydney Morning Herald travel section. How can you sum up the place you live in seven hundred words plus a fact box? I tried because we have an important event - The Small Footprint Initiative - coming up in two weeks time and the publicity can only help. But anyhow it's nice to have a reminder of home while I am here in Toronto. I've spoken to Sarah and Mila by Skype and while I know it's hard for Mum to cope with the two girls without a second parent's presence, they seem to be doing well.

Well, I've got to get ready to get the train to Montreal this afternoon, a five hour ride that is supposed to go through some pretty countryside. Then after an overnight in an airport hotel it's off to the Arctic again. I feel like one of the most fortunate people on earth right now. I may never be rich but boy I feel rich in experiences.