Onwards and downwards (to Kangaroo Island...)

I'm on my way to Kangaroo island today and have got tangled up with flight delays (Virgin, not Qantas surprisingly) which mean I have two hours to kill at Newcastle airport. It means I'll be spending the night in Adelaide tonight too rather than on the island which is a shame but no big disaster.

Wow, the reaction to my last blog was quite overwhelming. Thank you especially to those of you who've posted comments both here and on the Iguana Freelancers Facebook page. It is so comforting to read the kind messages of support and as you can see from the post from my brother in law Sam, I am very fortunate to have a great Aussie family through my partner Sarah. I can't overestimate the wonderful support and friendship of my travel writing colleagues. I do think the job attracts mostly lovely, open-minded people so I am not exactly surprised.

I felt sick to the stomach after posting the last entry and making it public. I felt guilty about burdening the world with my condition, about exposing my partner and kids to scrutiny and for what many may see as "bleeding heart look-at-me" behaviour. When your brain chemistry is all mucked-up you think of every scenario. You imagine your worst enemy looking at what you wrote and saying "you absolute prick, you've got a great family, a wonderful job that most people would kill for etc etc and you can't even be unselfish enough to be happy". They're right of course and that thought has given me sleepless nights and even that is pointless because why worry about something you can't change. Some people will applaud my opening up and others, used to playing their cards close to their chests or understandably sick of how the internet seems to be giving everybody the chance to display their misery/sickness/paranoia or whatever so publicly, will not.

On the other hand I had a wonderful chat with Pam Macintosh from ABC regional radio about what I'd written and will be going on her show on Wednesday November 16th at 9.35am to talk some more about the issues it raises. I really hope that I can help other people with my condition through further publicity and will have to toughen up to accept the inevitable criticism and even possible vitriol that may come my way as a result.

I want to stress that while I am sad more often than I should be (or want to be - christ this is what I want to overcome as it has ruled my life for way too long) - I am also capable of great joy and happiness. Believe me too when I say that I know that the world is a wonderful, extraordinary place. Better than any drug you'll ever take. My work has given the most amazing opportunities and I am so grateful for that. I am so exceptionally lucky to have travelled through the Arctic, through Africa, flown over Antarctica, seen more of Australia than most people do in a lifetime and enjoy superb times throughout Europe and the US. People may well want to ask how somebody like me, as they once asked about a famous footballer earning squillions and with a model girlfriend, who had depression, possibly has the hide to claim that they are depressed? Good question and I don't have a good answer.

Most people with depression don't want to feel the way they do and I must stress it is chemical. What causes it I don't know for sure but I am the most unwilling recipient of the feelings it delivers. When all I want to do is bubble with joy and the feeling that life could not be better, I look at myself and think "you self-engrossed, talentless, try-hard tosser"! It's hard enough for me living with that feeling but it's everybody that has to live with me that I feel sorry for, as I am sure you will do. It's like being an alcoholic- bad enough for you of course but a fucking nightmare for anybody around you. I know, my brother died a rampant and unapologetic alcoholic just three years ago, and all my attempts to "save" him were hopeless. But then I was needlessly cruel to him when he let me down too. He hurt me beyond repair with his self-destruction but I hurt him too with my frustrated anger with him. That's another story for another time.

Enough, enough. Hopefully there will be joyous reportage from KI, as the locals call it, and once again thanks to those of you that have followed this to the end.

And for anybody who might have read what I've written and feels very uncomfortable about it, I'm sorry. But please if you know somebody with depression don't treat them with distance or disdain. They can be pretty amazing people - Winston Churchill, Richard Burton, Stephen Fry and David Attenborough are just some of those I know to have had the illness - and their depression is just one part of the character, not the whole sum.